FBI Finds Irrefutable Link Between Trump’s Presidential Campaign And Northern Bear Devils Above The Frozen Lake
The FBI has announced today that speculation linking president elect Donald Trump and the Northern Bear Devils, from far beyond the frozen lake, is founded. This announcement comes shortly after Donald Trumps recent denial of these accusations, and right before the end of the known universe, depending on which timeline you currently inhabit.
After being confronted with the new evidence however, president elect Trump gave the following statement before of packed room of shrieking void crabs.
“Yes, I have danced with the bear devils under the northern moon,” Trump confirmed. “I danced with them during the entire campaign on several of my trips up beyond the frozen lake. On many occasions, me and Bearlord Pootin would discuss ways that we could encourage more void leaks on this plane of existence.”
When pressed, Donald Trump commented that his relationship with Bearlord Pootin was only regarding the overthrow of the United States government through exploitation of The Void, but not funny business. “Nothing weird,” stated Trump.
While man government officials would like to call off the recent election due to Northern Bear Devil tampering, Trump has insisted that this should not change the results. “Yes, the Bear Devils are known scoundrels and have prowled the land above the frozen lake for many years, thirsty for blood and the removal of hands, but that does not mean that their voice should not be heard in American politics.”
When countered with the argument that this is flatly illegal, Don Trump opened his face and let thousands of tentacle cosmic horror’s spill forth in a black bubbling mass, screaming and writhing in a way that is impossible to describe using any human dialect.
Story: Chuck Tingle
Editor: Jon
After being confronted with the new evidence however, president elect Trump gave the following statement before of packed room of shrieking void crabs.
“Yes, I have danced with the bear devils under the northern moon,” Trump confirmed. “I danced with them during the entire campaign on several of my trips up beyond the frozen lake. On many occasions, me and Bearlord Pootin would discuss ways that we could encourage more void leaks on this plane of existence.”
When pressed, Donald Trump commented that his relationship with Bearlord Pootin was only regarding the overthrow of the United States government through exploitation of The Void, but not funny business. “Nothing weird,” stated Trump.
While man government officials would like to call off the recent election due to Northern Bear Devil tampering, Trump has insisted that this should not change the results. “Yes, the Bear Devils are known scoundrels and have prowled the land above the frozen lake for many years, thirsty for blood and the removal of hands, but that does not mean that their voice should not be heard in American politics.”
When countered with the argument that this is flatly illegal, Don Trump opened his face and let thousands of tentacle cosmic horror’s spill forth in a black bubbling mass, screaming and writhing in a way that is impossible to describe using any human dialect.
Story: Chuck Tingle
Editor: Jon
